Sunday, October 17, 2010

Truth

I took down the bit on the sidebar saying which Goddess I'm currently writing about. It has not moved in some time. And when I read the stated purpose of this blog, I no longer know if I agree.

I had hoped that writing about Goddesses on a regular basis would inspire me, and cultivate some momentum and motivation to work on the book for that Goddess deck of mine; instead, though, I am finding the whole thing a chore. More often than not I put it off, which is why though I am pretty good at starting the writing of my Goddess entries on Sunday, they frequently don't get finished (and published) until Tuesday or Wednesday.

So that, I think, is where all that stuff in the last post about when does a vocation become just a job comes from, for me, anyway. I have never been able to tell the difference between getting a 'hit' about something about me, and something that is about others; I have had to hope, mostly, that it all works out, and that in picking up stuff that applies to me personally I am also tapping into something larger that is useful for others. And it seems to be that way, judging by the responses I've been getting. Honestly, I am surprised.

I have been very busy lately, too, in a lot of other ways; and I've been dealing with some shit (and yes, that's the right word, honestly) that is pretty big, stuff which I've been documenting and exploring on my other (shared) blog, the charmingly named Tetanus Burger. I suspect all those endeavors are what made the idea of cleaning the junk from paradise a handy metaphor for the Goddess to use.

So I don't know. I've never felt very open here, perhaps because this is my 'professional' blog, one that is connected to my real name and all; and I get afraid to share in a meaningful way. Meaningful, in this case, meaning, truly from the center (there's that idea again) and truly from my Divine self, my Voice; but in such a way that is honest and which opens up others as well. I have so much more going on in my life right now, as far as visions, and encounters with the Divine, and the glorious Magic of it all that I just don't share here in this place, with its emphasis on some art work I did more than a dozen years ago now. I am afraid of being thought crazy, I suppose. And it's rather personal, too, of course, and I am shy.

Of course, if Goddess-worshiping Pagans aren't the audience than no one is. And I am an artist already of the esoteric, and, really, can probably count on a fairly wide latitude of indulgence from the world just because of that. And others do it, too, don't they now? I am hardly alone.

I don't know where I'm going with all that, or what any of that means. Just that I am feeling not myself here, talking about this old art, making myself write here out of some sense of duty that is perhaps, is probably, no longer serving me.

Not that I don't love Goddesses, the Goddess, or that I don't want to keep exploring that; the idea of writing about obscure Goddesses still intrigues and delights me. It is in some ways traveling upstream, pushing aside the overgrowth and briers and finding that spring from which eventually a mighty river will flow, and that is always numinous and valuable. But my interest I think is shifting to the mythic, to the personal, to that varied and creative and vital world of dreams, to the daimonic, if you will. Or rather, it has shifted, long since.

Talk about Deities, the established canonical cultural expressions of the Divine, seems to me now to be looking at the outside layer of things. Even Dionysos or Hermes is in my mind now a refined, conscious, version of that internal Guide we all have, the psychopomp, soul-guide who comes into our dreams and visions. That feels far more numinous to me right now.

Maybe it's just the time of year. The Dark grows deeper with every passing moment; and I want to go in, like I always do at this time. Maybe it is especially pronounced in me because I am such an introvert, I don't know.

So, like I said, I don't really know where I'm going with this. Perhaps I just need a break (No, no, says the Muse. Fine.) I am not ready just yet, I think, to abandon this all, to abandon this project in particular. But it may come to that. And I know that may give some of you palpitations. But honestly, that is too bad. My art has worth and strikes a chord in people I think because I do it for myself, because I explore that which has meaning to me personally. And so I think others recognize that meaning as something that is true. I have never been able to do something because others want me to. Or, rather, when I have, it has had no power, no meaning, no magic, no truth.

So let's start there.

11 comments:

Lavanah said...

Maybe you just need to cut the cords of what you feel you "ought" to write about. As for the art-I love it all, I love it still. And I know that I am not alone in that.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Twelve years ago your spiritual path led you to your Goddess deck. But that doesn't mean you have to rest there forever. Follow the path of your spiritual growth wherever it leads you! Onward!

Souris Optique said...

I do hope you continue in a public-bloggy sort of way, whatever you decide to do. I enjoy your writing and your perspective as much as I do your art. But mostly I hope you figure out what works best for you and do that.:)

Pip said...

Hey, you have to do what makes you happy, not what makes others happy. Letting go of what no longer serves us is a huge part of these next few years.

ebele said...

Your artwork and your blog have been very inspiring to me in the last year, all the Goddess messages...I'm sure going to be sad if you chose to abandon the Goddess Oracle (I was imagine a distant future where I buy your book and tarot deck!), but I understand that sometimes life changes too much, and we need to move on.
I hope you feel better in whatever decision you make!

Sybil said...

I'm mostly a lurker, but I really enjoyed the honesty of this post. I've felt this way about projects I've worked on, too. When it becomes something obligatory, somehow it stops giving joy and being real. I hope you find the balance you're looking for. And thanks for all you've shared.

gospelpagan said...

We can only ever be ourselves - a big truth for sure. Thanks for writing this Thalia - I've been in similar places many times, struggling with an old project or an old way of being/thinking and rethinking what it all means to me. Sometimes I get refreshed and stay with the original thoughts, and sometimes things end up needing to be thrown out in favor of new things. It's a good process, though not always an easy one I'm aware.

RS

lagalesa said...

so now seems like a good time to say "thank you" :) - really, sincerely, thank you from my heart for the stories, artwork and insights you share on this blog. They have been - and continue to be - a total inspiration. If the best way to keep the spirit of that inspiration alive is to move on to other things, or leave this aside for a bit, then so be it. But do tell us if you start any more web-based projects!

Medusa said...

I love your art and would love it if someday I could buy your Goddess deck and book (maybe it could be just a small book?). But it's really up to you--where you want to put your energy. I would also love to hear about the other (new?) spiritual interests you mention in this post. Is is an either/or situation? Or could you just do less of one and more of the other?

Theoretically, blogging should give us more freedom that other types of writing (for instance, for years I got paid for writing what other people wanted me to write. Now I write what interests or moves me. Well, mostly, but it is easy to get stuck in a rut or routine...possibly because that's what we're used to in life. It's sort of like one interpretation of the Devil card in conventional Tarot: sometimes we make our own imprisionings...)

Anyway I hope you keep sharing your thoughts. Thank you for this post.

Naneki said...

I will not deny that I would love to purchase your Goddess Oracle Deck with book or without someday; but I understand fully what you must be going through. Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself and your muse with us. I don't think the path your on right now will not lead you astray. May it lay all blessings at your feet during the journey.

Carisa said...

Let the ocean Wisdom send you up her new gifts. Don't block the flow with shoulds and oughts. A difficult lesson I too am still learning.